Yes, My Halloween Party Was a Disaster
How even an amazing playlist can’t save a party gone wrong.
Here’s the thing. I did everything right.
I planned this party a month in advance. I made all the orange-flavored Jello shots myself. I followed the recipe for orange-frosted THC cookies I found on Reddit. I curated the most boss-ass Autumn dance/mood/spooky/gay playlist I possibly could. I supplied the special Jack-(Daniels)-o-Lantern themed cocktails. I opened my isolated, three-story home with multiple windows and other points of entry to my nearest and dearest friends.
Yes, maybe news of the recent escape of a serial killer from the nearby sanitarium would be reason enough to call off any other party, but GOD, haven’t we suffered enough this year?
As I said, I did everything right. And the night started off great. Everyone came. Jessie, the self-proclaimed “party girl,” Chad, the football player, Xander, the stoner, Dexter, the nerd, and Anna, the bookworm. I’ve got a very well-rounded friend group.
The secret to throwing a great party is mood. Vibes, if you will. And I am a purveyor of vibes. That’s where the playlist comes in. For this party, I started off with some dance hits and modern pop. Stuff that would get the adrenaline pumping, but still had a tinge of freaky to be seasonally appropriate.
- “Teeth” — Lady Gaga
- “Bad Liar” — Selena Gomez
- “Glory and Gore” — Lorde
- “Hold Up” — Beyoncé
- “bad guy” — Billie Eilish
- “Bad Blood” — Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar
- “Disturbia” — Rihanna
- “I Feed You My Love” — Margaret Berger
- “Williams Blood” — Grace Jones
These songs provided the backdrop for the first shots of the night, the sloppy dancing, and the general debauchery that precedes the party devolves into fits of crying or mating rituals. It was probably around this time that Dexter went to get another beer and never came back, but he’s kind of a wet blanket anyway, so nobody missed him.
Anyway, now that everyone’s drunk enough to listen to the older music I like, I start hitting them with the moody soft rock. This is the point in the evening when the conversations get deep and the people who are going to sneak off to get into trouble (Chad and Jessica) can sneak off undetected. I guess we should have gone and looked for them when we heard Jessica scream, but we were just vibing to the Fleetwood Mac song about the old Welsh witch, and to be honest, if we did knock on the door, we didn’t think we’d be invited in.
- “Stand Back” — Stevie Nicks
- “Little Red Corvette” — Prince
- “Hounds of Love” — Kate Bush
- “Atomic” — Blondie
- “Eli’s Comin’” — Laura Nyro
- “Dark Lady” — Cher
- “The Sound of Silence” — Carmen McRae
- “Rhiannon” — Fleetwood Mac
By this time the mixers are gone, so we were just chugging the dregs of every fifth that was left. The THC cookies were gone, but I’m pretty sure Xander was hoarding them. The last thing we heard from him was that he was going to get another. He wasn’t in the kitchen when I went to look for him, but I heard a strange choking noise coming from the basement. I figured he was trying to scare me, and that’s such a drag. I went back into the living room with Anna, who was also being a drag.
She was going on about how much she liked Xander and how she was never going to get a date and all this garbage and it was like… I just wanted to dance.
No Halloween party playlist is complete some good horror movie music. By this time in the evening, the crossfade is hitting hard, and even the theme from Halloween is like… a complete bop. And I’m sorry, but the synthesizer horror music from the 80s? Okay, beat.
- “Halloween Theme” — John Carpenter
- “Chariots of Pumpkins” — John Carpenter & Alan Howarth
- “Suspiria” — Goblin
- “Moochie’s Death” — John Carpenter & Alan Howarth
- “Stranger Things” — Kyle Dixon & Michael Stein
So, I’m just vibing to the “Stranger Things” theme when I hear this ridiculous scream. It’s Anna. So, I’m like, “Uh, what now? Anna’s always ruining a good time.”
“That guy who escaped from the sanitarium is here!”
And I’m just like… OF COURSE. Of course, he is.
So anyway, he storms in with a knife and this ugly mask and is about to kill us when the cops arrive and end him. The horror movie music gave the whole thing a meta quality. Just proves this playlist really does serve every mood.
Anyway, we answered some questions and took stock of the bodies. Anna left with the cops and didn’t even offer to help me clean up. I mean, it wasn’t the first party where I’d had to clean blood off the floor afterward but this was a mess.
Overall, I’d give the evening a 6.5.
Who likes cleaning up after a party? Not me. For the cleanup, you’re better off listening to an instrumental that’s smooth and slow with a little stank on it. May I suggest Janis Joplin and the Full Tilt Boogie Band’s “Pearl (Instrumental)” and Fleetwood Mac’s “Albatross.” They both sound like the hazy aftermath of a good party. When everybody who can walk (or is still alive) has left already and the people who can’t walk are asleep (or, again, dead) are crumpled up in a corner somewhere.
It’s a total drag when a party doesn’t go the way it’s supposed to. But even though my night didn’t go as planned, I highly recommend my Spooky Gay Aesthetic Extravaganza Playlist for your next Halloween bash.
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